Exploring the mystery of our psychospiritual nature and who we are meant to be.
We spend an extraordinary amount of time trying to understand what’s wrong with us. We examine our shortcomings, question our choices, and search for explanations for the behaviors and emotional patterns that make life difficult. Psychology has helped us understand a great deal about why we struggle, but I wonder whether our focus on fixing ourselves has distracted us from a much bigger question: What does it really mean to be human, and how much of our potential have we yet to discover?
It’s a question that’s been on my mind as I work on my new book, Remembering Who You Are Meant to Be. The more I explore our human nature, the more convinced I become that we need to understand ourselves as psychospiritual beings, with an innate nature, a deeper purpose, and extraordinary potential that we have a lifetime to develop.
There’s More to Us Than We Realize
If someone asked you who you are, you’d probably have an answer ready. You’d likely describe your personality, the work you do, the people who matter to you, or the experiences that have shaped your life. But what if they asked you something more meaningful? What gives your life meaning, and what do you believe your purpose is? These questions take us beyond what we do and the roles we play, inviting us to consider something deeper about ourselves, our existence, and who we are meant to be.
Most of us have experienced moments when we’ve sensed there’s more to life than what occupies our everyday attention. You may have felt a profound connection with another person, been deeply moved by the beauty of nature, or experienced an unexpected sense of peace or belonging. Perhaps you’ve questioned the direction of your life, wondered what you’re here to contribute, or felt drawn toward something meaningful that you couldn’t quite explain. These experiences often stay with us because they touch something within us that we don’t fully understand.
They also remind us that there’s more to our human nature than our personalities, thoughts, and emotions. We have an inner life that reaches beyond our immediate needs and circumstances, along with a deep longing for love, connection, meaning, and purpose. Throughout history, spiritual traditions have recognized this dimension of our existence, describing it as our soul, spirit, or divine nature. Yet, despite its importance to our psychospiritual nature, we give it remarkably little attention when trying to understand ourselves. We’ve become far more accustomed to examining our psychological wounds and learning how to heal than exploring the potential we’re here to develop.
We spend years building careers, maintaining relationships, meeting expectations, and working on ourselves, often without stopping to consider what all this activity is leading us toward. We know a great deal about how to manage our lives, but how often do we give ourselves the time and space to explore what makes life meaningful, what we’re here to develop and express, and whether the person we’ve become reflects who we are meant to be?
We Were Born Whole
One of the foundational ideas in my work is that we’re born whole, with an innate nature and the potential to develop into the people we are meant to be. We arrive in the world with natural mental functions, emotional needs, and capacities that are meant to develop through our experiences and relationships.
Think about how naturally we accept this process when we watch a young child develop. We see their curiosity, their growing ability to connect with others, and their excitement as they discover what they can do. We understand that their abilities develop over time and that they need love, security, encouragement, and opportunities to explore their world.
Of course, none of us grow up in an environment that meets all our needs perfectly. As children, we quickly learn what brings approval, what creates conflict, and what we need to do to maintain our relationships with the people we depend on. We begin adapting to our circumstances, often without realizing how much these experiences are influencing our developing sense of self.
Our Self-Protective System plays an important role in this process. It helps us navigate difficult experiences, protect our emotional well-being, and maintain the relationships we depend on. But when adaptation becomes excessive and prolonged, more of our developmental energy gets directed toward creating an identity that will help us feel safe, accepted, and valued.
Over time, without enough security, we develop an adaptive persona, a way of being that reflects what we’ve learned about who we need to be to self-regulate and feel safe. As this persona becomes more established, we can lose touch with aspects of our authentic self, including our natural abilities, emotional needs, desires, and capacities that haven’t had the opportunity to develop or were rejected or shamed during childhood.
I’ve worked with many people who have built successful lives, raised families, developed careers, and done everything they believed they were supposed to do, only to reach a point where they feel something important is missing. They often have difficulty explaining their dissatisfaction because, from the outside, their lives appear perfectly fine. What they’re experiencing deserves our curiosity because that quiet sense of dissatisfaction can be an invitation to explore the parts of themselves that have been waiting for attention.
What Is It Within Us That Wants More?
Most of us have had the experience of feeling drawn toward something without knowing exactly why. You may have wanted to explore a new interest, change the direction of your life, deepen your relationships, or find more meaning in the way you’re living, only to dismiss these feelings because they didn’t seem practical or because you couldn’t see how they fit with the life you’ve already created. Yet, the feeling keeps returning, reminding you that there’s something within you that wants your attention.
I’ve come to understand these longings as expressions of our developmental nature. Just as our bodies have an appetite for food and send us hunger signals when we need nourishment, we have a psychospiritual appetite that reflects our innate need to develop. Our emotional needs seek satisfaction, our natural capacities seek expression, and our spiritual nature draws us toward greater meaning, connection, and purpose. When these needs go unattended, we experience a different kind of hunger, one that’s often harder to recognize because it shows up in our feelings, relationships, and the choices we make.
These developmental hunger pains can take many forms. Sometimes they show up as restlessness, boredom, dissatisfaction, chronic irritability, or a feeling that something is missing, even when life appears to be going well. At other times, we experience them as curiosity, excitement, inspiration, or an unexpected attraction to something we’ve never considered before. We don’t always recognize these feelings as expressions of our need to develop, especially when we’ve become accustomed to putting our own needs and interests aside.
For example, you might find yourself longing for more meaningful conversations because your need for deeper emotional connection isn’t being satisfied. You might feel restless in a career you’ve enjoyed for years because you’re ready to develop abilities that your current role doesn’t allow you to express. Perhaps you keep returning to the idea of writing, painting, teaching, or learning something new without understanding why it matters so much to you. Or you may feel increasingly uncomfortable with the expectations you’ve spent years meeting because you’re beginning to recognize how much of yourself you’ve set aside to please others.
These feelings are worth paying attention to because our need to develop the potential of our authentic self doesn’t disappear when we reach adulthood. The capacities we haven’t yet developed remain part of our potential, and our innate emotional needs continue to seek satisfaction throughout our lives. Like physical hunger, our developmental appetite tells us that something needs nourishment, although we don’t always understand what we’re hungry for.
When we don’t recognize what we’re longing for, we often look for relief in the wrong places. We might pursue another achievement, buy something new, change our surroundings, or look for a different relationship, hoping that the change will bring the satisfaction we’ve been missing. Sometimes changes in our circumstances are necessary, but when our dissatisfaction comes from neglected emotional needs or undeveloped capacities, changing what’s happening around us doesn’t necessarily address what’s happening within us.
Our psychological and spiritual natures are both part of this developmental appetite. Psychologically, we’re driven to satisfy our innate emotional needs and develop the capacities of our authentic self. Spiritually, we’re drawn toward a deeper understanding of our existence, our connection to others, and the meaning and purpose of our lives. These dimensions of our nature are closely connected, and together they influence what we long for, what gives us satisfaction, and how we experience ourselves in the world.
Our purpose doesn’t have to involve a great achievement or an extraordinary contribution to the world. It finds expression through the ways we love, create, learn, contribute, develop our natural gifts, and bring more of our authentic selves into our everyday lives. What matters is the growing connection between who we are, how we’re developing, and the way we choose to live.
When we lose touch with these developmental and spiritual longings, we can spend years feeding the parts of ourselves that help us maintain security and fulfill our responsibilities while neglecting those that are still waiting to develop. We remain busy, productive, and responsible, yet experience an underlying sense of emptiness or dissatisfaction that we can’t quite explain. Learning to recognize our developmental hunger pains helps us become curious about what we’re really longing for, which emotional needs are seeking satisfaction, and what aspects of our authentic self are ready for greater expression.
The Mystery of Who You Are Meant to Be
As we enter the final week of Who You Are Meant to Be Month, we’ve spent time exploring personality, our emotional needs, the adaptive persona, and the authentic self. These are important parts of understanding our development, but they’re also part of a much larger story about our psychospiritual nature and what it means to live a meaningful, fulfilling life.
I find it encouraging to think about how much of ourselves we still have the opportunity to discover, particularly as we grow older. We often become more aware of the time that’s passed and the opportunities we believe we’ve missed, but we can also recognize the capacities we still have to develop and the experiences that can bring greater meaning and satisfaction to our lives. Growing older doesn’t mean that our development is finished or that we have to remain the people we’ve learned to be.
I’d encourage you to spend some time this week thinking about your own developmental appetite and the parts of yourself that deserve more attention. Consider what brings you a sense of aliveness, what you’ve always wanted to explore, and whether the life you’re living reflects what’s most meaningful to you. Pay attention to those feelings of restlessness, curiosity, or longing that keep returning, and become interested in what they’re telling you about your emotional needs and the capacities you have yet to develop.
We’re far more than the personalities we’ve developed or the problems we’ve learned to manage. We’re psychospiritual beings, born whole, with an innate drive to develop and a lifetime of potential to discover and express. Even the parts of ourselves we’ve neglected or set aside remain important to understanding who we are and what our lives are meant to be about.
I find something deeply encouraging about this way of understanding human nature. Instead of seeing ourselves as flawed individuals who must spend our lives trying to fix what’s wrong, we can approach ourselves with curiosity about everything we have yet to discover and develop. Perhaps that’s the real mystery of being human, and why the journey of remembering who we are meant to be is so worthwhile.
One Final Week to Take Advantage of My October Promotion
As Who You Are Meant to Be Month comes to a close, I hope these conversations have encouraged you to look at yourself a little differently and become more curious about the parts of yourself you have yet to discover.
If something you’ve read this month has stirred that curiosity or awakened a desire to understand yourself more deeply, I hope you’ll take advantage of my special October promotion before it ends. The Striving Styles Personality System offers a way to understand your innate nature, the emotional needs that drive your behavior, and the ways you’ve learned to adapt. It’s a starting point for reconnecting with your Authentic Self and developing more of your potential.
I hope you’ll continue exploring the mystery of who you are meant to be.